Finding Rest

Today is an incredibly beautiful sunny Vancouver day, and I'm so grateful. Like many other Canadians, we have not had a fantastic start to the summer, but this weekend has a lot of promise. To celebrate the good weather, I headed out to a local park with books and journal in hand.

As I sat down to take a read through my journal and reflect back on these last few months I began to notice this recurrent theme that takes place in my life. My inability to "rest" is something that I have continually struggled with in my adult life. Don't get my wrong, I'm not one of those people who is buzzing 24 hours a day, fidgeting, nervous energy emitting from all pours, but I am someone who struggles to find true rest in both mind and spirit. If I'm not being physically active, or working myself extremely hard, than I'm boggled down with thoughts of what I could be doing or what I should be doing with my time. (Those of you like me know what I'm talking about, and are shaking your head in agreement at this moment).

This issue is something that I decided to address when coming home from Liberia. I knew it wouldn't be easy, because like I mentioned, it's not something natural for me. But I knew that I needed to focus on it, not only because every person that has been overseas kept telling me to make sure I rested, but the concept of finding rest was something that resonated deep within me. My first few weeks, I was so physically exhausted that I didn't even fight the battle. It was after that initial jet lag that I found those old familiar feelings and thoughts come back to mind. Thoughts like, "What are you going to do today?", "You shouldn't be just sitting, you should get up and be doing something!", or "Did you just really not accomplish anything all day??"

So I struggled with it, I battled it, I kept telling myself to be okay with just being. It made me irritable at first, and I felt very purposeless. I felt like if I hadn't contributed to something that day than my day was a waste and in many ways this concept of needing to contribute was tied to my self worth. Today, two and a half months later, I'm still struggling. It's not easy, I haven't perfected it, but I'm committed to continuing to find ways to just "be". And it doesn't even stop at learning to rest, but also at taking joy in doing the things that we often wish we could do as humans, but never allow ourselves the time or pleasure to do. (It could be as simple as reading the book in the park on a sunny Vancouver afternoon.)

Recently I read Psalm 116:7, which says,
Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

As we continue to be people who live in the now not worrying about what to accomplish next, I think this verse has a lot to teach us. If you struggle with this issue of just living in the moment, of just being, maybe this verse will be of some comfort or even encouragement to you today.

New Thoughts

So, I'm sure many of you have thought that I have dropped off the face of the earth. Well, I haven't, but I have definintely hit hibernation mode, with few excursions here and there. I was encouraged by people to keep writing even though my time in Liberia had officially come to an end, but the trouble with writing when I first returned was where to find my inspiration? Honestly, if you knew my day, which usually consists of a late wake up, cups of coffee, a trip to the gym, and maybe a few hours of tv and more eating in a day...you would understand the lack of intelligent or meaningful thoughts going through my mind.

But recently, I have been feeling more like putting my thoughts down. Where will it lead? Who knows, but I feel like it's time to write again. For those of you looking for some profound thoughts on reintegration, you should probably look up those authors who have studied these things for years and written extremely valuable resources. Mine will be more personal, and will simply be little "snippets" of my experiences. They will be the moments in my day which catch me off guard, and make me think to myself, "why am I rethinking this experience?"

Most recently one of these experiences happened to me at a 7-11 store. I had this very simple experience where I was counting out 5 cent candies into my bag, and I started, "5, 10, 15, 20...", and I hit 50 cents and suddently this overwhelming feeling and thought came into my mind, that if I keep going for 11 more pieces of candy I would surpass the average daily income of a Liberian. Something just sunk in my heart, that here I was counting out my candy that I had a craving for and I would be spending more on my sugar high than the average person in Liberia had to survive.

You would think it would be the big things that would make me stop and feel a deep conviction. The funny or even ironic thing is that I drove to the 7-11 in my recently bought a car, and didn't even think about that purchase. As with many of you, I'm constantly bombarded by the price of housing, increasing fuel costs, and increasing food costs, but it was the simple thing...the 5 cent candies that made me stop and think. As painful as these moments are, I want them to continue, and I don't want to become insensitive to them. I want to be stopped in my tracks and made to think about other things beyond the struggles of what I experience financially in my home culture, and most of all, I don't want to forget those who so deeply impacted me overseas.