This is me in my Contemplative Mood

Let me preface this entry by stating that the other morning, very stupidly, I accidentally sat down on my laptop. It has caused me grief this past week as I cracked my screen when I did this, and now have black streaks across it. So it there are tons of spelling mistakes, etc...forgive me. Also it's 11;54, my power will go out in minutes, and I'm trying to scribble down my thoughts.

I think one of my greatest challenges this week has been the vast range of emotions I've been feeling. I've been contemplating already what next? The age old question for Melissa. I feel torn between not wanting to leave the people that I have grown to really love, but feeling like another year here may be too much. I feel really sensitive lately to the suffering around me. I came home yesterday after a long day, sweating, and just feeling tired. I was late from work, arrived home, started to make dinner, dropped off security guards at these friends house that was robbed, got back home and just hung my head on the table.

I was talking with two friends, who had equally challenging days emotionally and cross culturally, and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of, "Isn't this enough! Haven't people here suffered enough". It's not one thing in particular, it never is right, but it's the cumulative affect of watching situations and seeing people suffer.

Here is an example...You go to a work environment where you're goal is to help others. You are dealing with a staff member whose son was hit with a rock in the eye, and hasn't had vision in it for the past 5 days, and you're trying to help them with that situation. You travel home, but first you have to stop at the grocery store, and there are 10 amputees, and 5 blind people who have young children walking them around, outside your car banging on your window asking for something small. Only to come home and have your security guard slip you a note asking you for something to eat cause he hasn't been paid yet, and he hasn't eat yet today. Then you quickly start dinner before you have to go and drop security guards off at a friends house, cause the night before armed robbers came in and machete'd the husband in the face and he had to go for surgery...

Okay, so I'm combining what might have happened in a couple of days into one day. At the risk of sounding whiny or seeking sympathy, let me clarify that this is not why I'm writing this all down. I'm just processing it, contemplating it all and you're the lucky ones who get to share in that thought.

The question is, and I discussed this with a friend of mine today online, can you do service like this, strive to find balance, and healthy lifestyle, still remain compassionate, but not become emotionally void? These are my thoughts, and I have many more questions...